Good morning and Happy Mother’s Day. I’m drinking out of my Mom’s cup this morning. On the inside, it says ‘love the moment.’ How fitting for today.
Complicated. That’s what today is for me. The first Mother’s Day without my mom and the looming anniversary of her death have made the last few weeks…complicated.
There are moments I miss my Mom so much there is physical pain to join the emotional upheaval. Some moments, I am joyful and grateful (still missing her) and living my life. No, that’s not true. I really am joyful and grateful every day. But, there is always something missing.
And I’ve accepted it. And there is peace in that. But this week, this season, this time of year – many moments are filled with a feeling of blah and emptiness and confusion. There is comfort in looking back to last May 12th and knowing my Mom was still here, her cancer was back and her treatments weren’t working. Even though she wasn’t feeling well, we still had hope. She was still here. Here. In those moments. And I loved them all.
And yes, she is here, every day, in my thoughts, in my heart. Sometimes in the big ass birds she sends flying in my path. Sometimes in a song when I’m thinking of her. Sometimes in a home run from my son, just as I am praying to her to watch over us all. Mostly, in moments of silence.
And I think it’s ok to feel meh in some moments. It’s ok to feel sad. It’s ok to feel confusion. It’s ok to feel joy. And it’s ok to be ambivalent about the moment. Because most of the moments, I do truly love.
So today, and everyday, l choose to love the moments, feel meh about the moments and be at ease with all of it.