While hook up culture is commonplace in 2017, it really wasn’t back in the early 1990s. While many of us shacked up and did the walk of shame on occasion, one night stands for single women dating pre-Sex and the City, weren’t widely accepted or talked about too much.
I was a serial monogamist as I came of age in the 80s and 90s. A three year relationship here, a two year relationship there. I felt like a good girl: I dated boys, I fell in love and sometimes we had sex in our committed relationships. Now that may not be your idea of a good girl, but it was mine and my tribe’s. So I did what I did and felt pretty good about it.
Until I got royally dumped. After a long committed relationship, I was cheated on and got kicked to the curb. It was SUCH a blessing in disguise! At the time, I remember thinking “I am done with relationships! Done!” And I was. For a while.
I dated. A lot. And it was glorious. Until these guys started wanting to have sex. I was a good girl and didn’t have sex unless I had a boyfriend. Never mind that maybe some of these guys were really cute and I maybe thought about having sex with them. I felt like it was somehow wrong. But I also remember thinking “Well if they think it and want it and do it, why can’t I?”
I made the decision that if I wanted to have sex, I was going to have sex. I did. Once. With someone I met twice. And it was glorious. Here are three reasons why it was a great decision:
It helped me take complete ownership of my well-being. Deciding to have sex if I wanted to, regardless of whether or not I was in a relationship gave me the courage to not only make my own decisions, but to own any consequences from them. For the first time in my young life, I felt autonomous, self reliant and empowered. I wasn’t prescribing to a notion of ‘good.’ I was creating good in my own life in a new way.
I learned about desire. With no expected outcome of the night together, I remember feeling uninhibited, adventurous and wanted. It was a heady feeling and allowed me to realize desire was important to me. The desire I felt and the desire returned nurtured a part of me I didn’t know existed. I allowed myself to be present and enjoy not just the emotion of the moment, but the physicality of it as well.
I learned that while sex with no strings is fantastic, sex with someone you care about is infinitely better. The one night stand was great. Fun, memorable, crazysexycool. That said… After this experience and moving ahead into other relationships, I knew for certain that for me, committed sex with someone I cared about meant so much more. Desire, combined with love and trust and commitment was something I knew I would need to have if I were to ever get married.
While I don’t recommend one night stands for everyone, I do recommend we all explore what turns us on, what turns us off and what makes us feel the best about ourselves. Having a one night stand back in my single days helped me to do just that.
How about you? Any good one night stand stories? Let me know in the comments below.