To Thank or Not to Thank

Written by: Ramaa Krishnan

I have had a difficult relationship with Gratitude and saying Thank you in general. For starters, growing up in India, there was no expression like that in my mother tongue. I did not hear it at home or between friends of the family. It is not like we did not give or do things for one another, but there just was no expression of gratitude as such.

It was only when I started to go to elementary school and began to learn English that I learned, among other words and terms, the words,” Thank You.” I was taught that it is what you say when someone gives you something. 

Suddenly, it was being repeated all the time. When guests came home and gave us a treat, mom would add softly, in the mother-tongue, “and what should you say now?” So gradually, it got into my head that it was one of those things you “should” do, like use a napkin to sneeze into in public (in those days it was a handkerchief), or speak softly to elders or not talk with your mouth full and…yes, say Thank you when it came to outsiders. And that was the key – “outsiders”; we do not thank insiders, people at home or friends close to us. 

images-2In fact, while I could get into trouble for not saying Thank you to outsiders, I could get into just as much trouble, if not more, for saying thank you to insiders who were deeply offended by the words. Friends and family believe you have a right to their generosity and that they enjoy the same right. Doing something for a dear one, is not only an affirmation of closeness but a sacred duty.

Our children, raised in the US, speak the language of this country and follow the cultural norms of this side of the world. We spent hours on Thank you notes after birthdays and other gift receiving occasions and ingrained it into them. However, when we visit India and they automatically express their gratitude at various times, many family members have a hurt look upon their faces. When I explain that my children do it because they have been raised amidst only “outsiders,” their hurt turns to compassion. Phew!

Cultural differences are interesting and when you look deeply at them they tell you a lot. The Indian culture is seeped deeply in the idea of non-duality and oneness, which denies, even judges, individuality which is viewed as divisive.  The words “Thank You” assume that you, who are separate from me, are doing something for me and so I have to thank you. Thus saying thank you affirms separation and is therefore frowned upon. 

Further, there is a great emphasis on the role of Karma or Fate in the perception of events. Fate would not put me in your way if I was not meant to help you, thereby repaying my own old debts. So given that background, whatever I do for you or vice versa is a settling of accounts for which Thank You or gratitude is redundant. We square accounts, we move on; end of cycle.

Here in the US, there is a great focus on individuality and on freewill. Individuality or the freedom to be oneself, is the pride of this country, as is freewill, the choice to say Yes or No. So, in exercising the freedom to be yourself, if you chose to do something for me, I should be grateful since you always had the option to say No. I cannot take your participation for granted.

Having understood both points of view, the question for me has remained: when I say Thank you, am I affirming separation and duality or am I celebrating free will and individuality? Not wanting to pick one position and turn my back on the other, I have debated this question a long time. 

Finally, some years back I decided it was not the words but where one came from that made the difference, but the spirit behind them. When I choose to thank you, in a way that divides us, it does affirm duality. But when I approach it in another way, everything changes: much like we say Namaste to one another in India. That greeting, to those who are not already familiar, both, acknowledges separateness and affirms oneness, in meaning, ”The Divine in me salutes the Divine in you.”

 So, in saying thank you from such a place, I thank our fate for having put each other where we are, I thank your free will for having chosen to help me and thereby I thank both heaven and earth for this experience.  I come from a place that says, the Divine in me thanks the Divine in you. And when I do that, it fills the gap between us with love and joy, uniting us as one. 

Ramaa Krishnan created Full Bloomed Lotus, a meditation and self-awareness studio, with the intention of helping people live in consonance with their divine identity despite the challenges of the human condition.

What role did gratitude play in your upbringing? Please share in the comments below!

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